Choice Vs. Forced : Attachment Parenting?

Yesterday I saw this article by some nitwit named Erica Jong linked on a friends facebook page. The article suggested that Modern Woman, which I like to consider myself, are trapping themselves with choices they are making for their children, and parenting. Some of the choices include baby wearing, cloth diapering, and making your own baby food. While making my own baby food didn’t last long in my house, we still baby wear, and cloth diaper and I by no means see how I am trapping myself by doing these things.

What does being trapped mean anyways? Taking care of the child you made the choice to bring into the world? Being an active parent instead of shipping your child off for someone else to raise, and only using them as some kind of trophy or status symbol when it is convenient for the parent? Using the word trapped is nothing short of silly in my opinion.

You wear your baby, sleep with her and attune yourself totally to her needs. How you do this and also earn the money to keep her is rarely discussed. You are just assumed to be rich enough.

We baby wear, co-sleep, and make it a huge point to be in touch with our children, I always thought that was an attribute of being a parent, not attachment parenting. But then again, I guess that is just me. As for being rich enough to attachment parent, I see no difference between being your run of the mill parent, and the income levels involves.

We made the choice before having children that I would be a stay at home mother, of course I clearly work from home now, but our children are still first priority. You do not need to be rich to be a stay at home parent, or attachment parent. You just need to know how to manage money. If you are more concerned with your $60,000 SUV, and spa treatments, maybe parenthood may not be in your plans, for the time being of course.

Surely this prepares them better for life than stressed-out biological parents alone. Some of these stressed-out parents have come to loathe Dr. Sears and his wife and consider them condescending colonialists in love with noble savagery.

Personally, I have not read any of the Dr. Sears books, but I think no matter who is parenting, there will always be a level of stress, it comes with the territory, and it is all in how you deal with it rather than running away from stress in our lives. Of course my children have seen me stressed and frustrated, I am human. But it is not something they are constantly around day in and day out, nor is it something I think children should be dealing with at all. It is a parents responsibility to deal with this, not have their children become worried as well.

I couldn’t read much more after that. The whole article made my blood boil, as well as turned my stomach. Honestly, is this woman even a parent? Because it is pretty clear she is out of touch with the reality of having children!

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9 comments

tags: attachment parenting, choices, Erica Jong, forced parenting
category: Uncategorized

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1

By: Mandi

I do feel trapped into maintaining and ongoing interactive RELATIONSHIP with my child – how tragic.

2

By: MotherUnexpected Twitter: @momunexpected

Oh wow. I just kind of had to skim over the last half of that. It was already making my head spin.

We do what we do because we believe it to be right. From attachment parenting, green living, to religion. Individually, we seek the information, find that we agree, and choose to implement into our own lives.

My attachment parenting, working outside the home, without green living, and no structured religion, looks bad upon me to those that do not agree with me. That’s fine. Truth be told I don’t agree with them either

I’m not trapped, oppressed, or otherwise held-back. I wish people would quit telling me how I should feel or what I am (like that ramble there).
MotherUnexpected´s last [type] ..Christmas in November

3

By: Angela

Wow…while I made a lot more money before I had kids, my husband and I agreed that I would be a SAHM, as well. We do not have a 56″ flat screen HDTV, or the newest Honda minivan out. We do not own sports cars (but we do have a boat). My kids are well-dressed and well-fed. They are/were worn, they co-sleep with us and I never made baby food (none of my kids would eat it…they wanted the real stuff, LOL).

There are days I feel trapped…but that’s when I know I have been neglecting to get myself out of the house for “me” time…and I do it.

You don’t need to be rich to be an “attached” parent. You don’t need to be rich to be a “non-attached” parent. I don’t regret the way I raise my children. I don’t read Dr. Sears and I also do not see them as “condescending colonialists in love with noble savagery.” I see them as parents raising their children in the way that they feel is best.

Just as I’m doing, just as I would expect others to do (even if I do not agree with their methods).

Maybe this blogger should stop judging another person’s parenting choices and focus on her own life…as it’s clear that whatever she’s feeling trapped by is of her own doing and no one else’s.

4

By: Ellekate

So, it probably made Erica Jung feel better about herself to write this piece. That is who it is really about anyway. She clearly lacks a confidence in her own parenting and feels the need to defend herself. If she were truly concerned with the role of woman/mother in the American family and society, this article would not have taken such an antagonistic tone toward so many of us. If by accessory, she meant something that I value highly, want to have with me all the time, and want to show off how great it is to everyone in the world, then, yeah, that’s exactly how I feel about my babies. I am a mother and that is PART of my identity as a woman. I like it that way. Honestly, this didn’t even make me angry because she misses the point of attachment parenting entirely.

5

By: Rebecca S

I agree with her point that “As long as women remain the gender most responsible for children, we are the ones who have the most to lose by accepting the “noble savage” view of parenting, with its ideals of attachment and naturalness.” In the sense that some folks are inclined to say “I gave up my job because I love my kids” (and those folks are more often women) and this is accepted as her ‘natural,’ role in the family and in society, then yeah, that can lead to people being or feeling trapped. It really isn’t about the day to day choices, it’s about who makes them and why.

However, I disagree with her failure to follow through with critical analysis of the circumstances of the modern parent. It’s a feminist problem that our society is not set up to support parenting and working, or parenting and participating in political life. Society, she says, has failed to adjust to the needs of children, leaving women to pick up the slack. This is the real problem.

6

By: Dana Young Twitter: @danayoung

Erica Jong came from a line of feminists that took a harder stance against what they saw as the subjection of women to very traditional roles. That she still waves the flag for that kind of emancipation for women/mothers doesn’t surprise me.

I didn’t necessary disagree with much of what she was saying, but I didn’t care for her tone, which was strident and a bit insulting to women who *do* make a conscious choice to do attachment parenting. It’s not a choice for everyone.

I do agree with her that many of us would benefit from more involvement from our extended families when it comes to child-raising. However, many of us don’t live near our extended families, so the “it takes a village” concept usually means nannies, sitters or structured activities to give children nurturing, guidance and social engagement. Sometimes we women put too much stress on ourselves to be everything to our children, which can lead to burnout, regardless of how much we love our children. I think ultimately Jong is advocating for more balance for women, but is not offering any solutions, just criticism of the system that she believes has created this lockdown for women.

I also agree with her that we need to let go of our guilt – if we work outside the home, if we choose to go away for a weekend occasionally and leave our children with a trusted friend or family member, if we choose not to babywear, or stop breastfeeding, don’t make our own baby food or cloth diaper. Being a mother is HARD WORK and we can’t do everything and we can’t do it all perfectly. What our children will remember most when they are older is if they felt loved, supported and that their parents were happy.

Thanks for sharing the article; regardless of whether we agree with Jong or not, she does provide some good food for thought.

7

By: Dawn

Yes the authors tone of this article made me think she feels rather bitter that attachment parenting didn’t work for her. What people fail to understand about AP is that u don’t have to practice every single aspect to fit into some special mold for it. I run a local support group through Attachment Parenting Intl and as a leader my biggest thing I want people who come to group meetings to know is that u must do what works for your family. Take what u can and leave the rest. I don’t know where the thoughts emerged that to be an ap parent u must exhaust yourself by bending over backwards to your child. That is not ap at all. One of the principled of ap is striving for balance. Taking care of yourself, making time for ur spouse and friends etc. This lady obviously hasn’t done much research and was just looking to rant.

8

By: Anita Twitter: @Anita_Sarah

Rebecca S., you hit the nail exactly on the head.
Anita´s last [type] ..potty trained and the end of babies

9

By: Amber

I agree with Danielle. I also agree with Dana that parenting is hard work and we can’t do everything. Dawn said it best of Jong not understanding AP. As an attachment parents, we do the best we can to have balance and be in tune with our child. We still have to have some Me time, but we made a choice to parent as well and that should be a priority.

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