I have been avoiding the computer really at all costs. I have kept up with my Babble posts, because of course I have to. But other than that when I am on twitter, or facebook … most of it is on my phone from the hospital trying to keep my mind busy so I don’t think about what is really going on. I hate seeing my sister in the condition that she is in.
My mother called me last night and told me her ex-husband and son would be staying at the hospital for the night because really we didn’t think she would make it through the night. So I went up to the hospital and stayed late. I fell asleep in a chair next to her bed, holding her hand with my head on the rail of the bed. My breast milk stash I had in the freezer is gone. I used the last bag over the weekend when I was spending hours at the hospital as my husband could sit with the kids.
I feel like every time I am with my sister, I am neglecting the kids whether they are with a babysitter, or my husband. And when I am with the kids, I feel like I am missing the little bit of time I have left with my sister. I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. There is no easy way around any of it.
Keeping myself busy is the only way to keep my mind off of everything when I can’t be at the hospital at her side. Sunday when I had to come home, once the baby was fed, and back to sleep I literally washed the walls in my kitchen. Something I would never willingly do, or take time to bother with. Yeah it has to be done, but not something I would ever take on during a Sunday afternoon when I have time that the kids are behaving.
We have all been taking shifts at the hospital so she is never alone. There is always someone with her. Holding her hand, or laying with her in her bed comforting her and letting her know everything is ok.
I typically am not the most Godly person, but I have been in the chapel every day and last night we had the Priest in the hospital come up and pray with us. It is what she wants, she keeps talking about the angels, and how she is going to be an angel. I told her she is going to be the best damn angel Heaven has EVER seen.
No one ever thinks their 40 year old sister is going to get a brain infection and die. EVER.
It is simply something you can never plan for. And it hurts.
Writing a bit here and there is the only way to help me get some of my emotions out.