I am quiet… and trying to be brave. Why? Because my big sister is dying. My sister only 15 years my senior… too young to be leaving anyone. Too young to be leaving her children behind… just too damn young.
That is her in the background of the photo. I was cutting my shower cake, a shower she had put together with little help being incredibly sick, but not letting it on to anyone because it was something she wanted to do for me since she wasn’t able to put my shower together when I was pregnant with my oldest son.
The saga really started long ago, and without going into details, which I refuse to do because it is not my story to tell, she became terminally ill. For a long time she was doing great, in between her divorce, finding new love, and having a healthy and beautiful little boy only 4 short months after my oldest son was born. Jake is 3 now, and doing great.
And this brings me to why I have been quiet and really only keeping up with my blogs on Babble.com which is actually my job.
My sister is dying.
I am in charge of her care from dealing with insurance companies, to talking to doctors and making medical decisions.
In reality, it should have been my mother, but because of life and what it has thrown my mothers way, and really not being able to be stone faced, and take charge when she is watching her daughter in the end stages of her life, I stepped up to the plate. My sister has always been my world. She has been my rock. She has been by my side through break ups, moves, and anytime I needed anything. And now I repay her in the only way I can.
It is hard, and there are nights I just sit down and cry, like last night. I break down and I scream. I yell at God or whoever is up there and tell them I am SICK of telling my kids all their aunts and uncles are in heaven, or going to heaven.
I am sick of it… I am pissed… I am angry… I am sad… I am heartbroken… I am so many different things I could never actually write or describe every word that comes through my mind.
I wish I could just purge everything in my mind onto my blog sometimes, but there is just such a fine line when it comes to privacy and the internet and I have learned when you truly open up to those you find to be friends, or a support system… a new internet troll pops up with vicious ammo. Not something I will give them, especially over something so sensitive.
So bare with me… My mind is mush… My time is taken… and the biggest thing getting neglected is this site.
If you pray… or whatever you do… Keep us in those prayers